you cant play on broken strings
you cant feel anything.
i am never satisfied with anything. i just want more. more. more. and i hate myself for this. when i feel that my life is great at that rare, lovely moment, i fail to appreciate and i would wonder, what if...
and now, i am jaded, exhausted, drained out. i have put much effort in what i am driving for, yet the results seem so insignificant compered to others. why, i thought, why am i inferior to others? how, do i overcome my own weakness then?
yes, we are never satisfied. if i am not hungry, not greedy, i could hardly be called human, can i? so, i must have a drive for better, greater things. i shall not allow myself to be stoppped here. my light will not be cut off by a mountain. i will move this mountain in front of me, no matter how it exhausts me. because, i dont want to be afraid. i want to stand up.
yes, i want to believe. i want to believe in love again. it is true, you will feel warmth when your friends look for you, seek for you. i dont feel any warmth in the cold classroom. i feel that i am on a lone island with my shadow as my company and i got only the walls to speak my mind to. i submerge my confusion in waters, hoping to find solace and comfort in it instead.
why, why. i dont have any speck of enthusiasism in my no longer; i only have my mind focused on a goal. i lost my warmth, the aura that abounds when i interact with others. i am cold, unfeeling and stony. call me, stoneman. i lost myself, this year. a half year has passed, i am stupid to live in the past. yet, i am not.
i just cannot find myself. who am i, this unsmiling, lost, girl? where has the happy, laughing, optimistic, crazy, shopping-nuts woman gone to? where has her friends gone to then? they have moved on, to many other friends. yet, i am stuck here, unwilling to face up to truth. try, girl, try. because you can do it, and you will.
i will find a way out;
know it and memorise it as if
it is my thread of life.
kaixin
